Dear Billy Bob,

My last letter to you was one of anger and repulsion but today's letter is much, much different. Today's letter is one of heartfelt gratitude. Can you feel it, Billy Bob? Can you feel the love?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I don't know what you're talking about."

Well, let me explain. You see, had you not been a complete knob to Jian Ghomeshi I would never have had the inspiration to write a scathing song about the whole ordeal for the CBC Canada Writes online challenge and been subsequently crowned the Online Challenge Winner.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I'm not sure what that means."

What it means, Billy Bob, is that I am thanking you for being a horse's ass.

What's that you say? Would I say that to Tom Petty? Um, no. 'Cause he isn't a horse's ass, but you, my dimwitted friend, are the epitome of the hindquarters of any member of the Equidae family.

Yeah, yeah - you don't know what I mean by that. I get it. Again, I'll explain. The Equidae family is the horse family - horses, zebras, asses. What that means is that you are not only a horse's ass but a zebra's ass and yes, you even qualify as an ass's ass.

Anyway, Billy Bob, good news ... your knobiness has won me an iPod touch. And I feel so indebted to you I might even consider putting a Boxmasters song on it, preferably a track on which you were to too sulky/lazy/childish to play the drums.

Sincerely,

Old Biddy

I think Shaun Majumder and I could be BFF's. And here's why:

He's from Newfoundland - I'm from Newfoundland

He's kinda ebony - I'm kinda ivory

He's funny - I try to be.

He has Mussels In The Corner listed on one of his playlists - I once killed Mussels In The Corner on the accordion.

See what I mean? If that isn't BFF material I don't know what is.

I'm tellin' ya - if I ever got hold of Shaun Majumder I'd grab him by the cheeks and shake his head back and forth saying, "Who's a funny boy then? Huh? Who is it? Is it my Shaunie? Yes it is! Oh yes it is!"

Is this blog post confusing you? It's not about my dream life on the Yorkshire Dales, it's not about my dear persnickety Edgerton, it's not even about my three children whose constant needs keep me months behind on Coronation Street. So where did the whole Shaun Majumder/BFF thing come from you ask? I'll tell you where. CBC's Canada Writes. Shaun is one of the judges. I listened last week and his talent is undeniable. He tickles me, I tell ya. Cracks me right up.

If you ask me, Shaun Majumder fits right in here at Old Biddy Rambling. He and Edgie would get along, I'm sure of it (I must find out if Shaun appreciates fine coffee made in the most anal of ways), and I am sure Edgerton wouldn't mind if Shaun appeared in one of my dreamy Yorkshire Dales posts (after all, there's room for three around the open fire inside my charming thatched cottage).

Yes, Shaun would be a perfect BFF. I can see us now, sitting atop a cliff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. It's beautiful. It's picturesque. The cold wind is eating the faces right off of us. The waves crash against the rocks, the noise preventing me from hearing anything Shaun says, but I watch his mouth moving and I laugh - oh how I laugh - because whatever he's saying is most certainly funny. It would have to be. It's coming from the sweet lips of Shaun Majumder. My BFF.