Dear Billy Bob,

My last letter to you was one of anger and repulsion but today's letter is much, much different. Today's letter is one of heartfelt gratitude. Can you feel it, Billy Bob? Can you feel the love?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I don't know what you're talking about."

Well, let me explain. You see, had you not been a complete knob to Jian Ghomeshi I would never have had the inspiration to write a scathing song about the whole ordeal for the CBC Canada Writes online challenge and been subsequently crowned the Online Challenge Winner.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I'm not sure what that means."

What it means, Billy Bob, is that I am thanking you for being a horse's ass.

What's that you say? Would I say that to Tom Petty? Um, no. 'Cause he isn't a horse's ass, but you, my dimwitted friend, are the epitome of the hindquarters of any member of the Equidae family.

Yeah, yeah - you don't know what I mean by that. I get it. Again, I'll explain. The Equidae family is the horse family - horses, zebras, asses. What that means is that you are not only a horse's ass but a zebra's ass and yes, you even qualify as an ass's ass.

Anyway, Billy Bob, good news ... your knobiness has won me an iPod touch. And I feel so indebted to you I might even consider putting a Boxmasters song on it, preferably a track on which you were to too sulky/lazy/childish to play the drums.

Sincerely,

Old Biddy

I haven't blogged in two whole days now and it's Billy Bob Thornton's fault. Man, that whole Billy Bob/Jian Ghomeshi really got to me. But I'm over it now. Really I am. I've written a ranty song for CBC Canada Writes about it. I've posted disparaging remarks and bad publicity links for Billy Bob on Facebook. I've even twittered (tweeted? twitted?) about it. It's out of my system now. Completely. Billy Bob who?

Now that I've calmed down I've had a chance to reflect on why I got so angry. I mean, in an earlier blog post I wanted to throw a brick at BBT's head. That's not me. I'm not a violent person. I do yoga for God's sake. I meditate. I am the epitome of peace. I could replace the dove.

So here's the deal and I know I'm not alone on this ... but as someone who is at home all day with a young child, CBC keeps me company ... it provides me with some adult conversation. In years gone by, this wasn't so much of a problem for moms who stayed at home. Edna or Ruth or Marge some other old biddy from next door would pop over for a cup of tea and a bickie ... but it's not like that now ... not where I live anyway. All I have are my BFFs from CBC - Jian Ghomeshi in the morning, Rita Celli at lunch, and Aamer Haleem in the afternoon. I can't talk back to these people, granted, but I feel I know them quite well. It's like they are right there with me at my kitchen table - Jian and Aamer with their coffee (one sugar for Jian, black for Aamer) and Rita with her green tea (she's very health conscious). I sip my tea and listen to their titillating conversation, nodding in agreement as they discuss the serious issues and laughing loudly at the occasional hilarity. When Jian speaks I often look in his direction flirtatiously. "Oh, Jian" I say. "You are SO right about that. Good point."

So you see, when some bonehead with a hillbilly name (nothing like the sophisticated sounding Jian Ghomeshi) struts into my home, knocking over the good pottery mugs that I had laid out for my guests (the biggest one for Aamer, coffee is his fuel) and looks down his nose at my no-name digestive biscuits, I get riled. Even more so when he disrespects my guests and my country.

That's how it is with CBC and me. These hosts are my old biddy neighbours ... so if you're an egotistical celebrity with an holier than thou attitude you'd better think twice before messing with my Edna or Ruth or Marge - 'cuz this peace-lovin', yoga-crazy hippie will get a bad case of blog rage and through the power of the almighty rant will turn your name to mud.

See? Told ya. I'm over it. It's out of my system. Completely.

You crossed a line, my friend. Nobody and I mean NOBODY disrepects my Jian the way that you did today.

You made a big boo-boo, Thornton. Canada loves Ghomeshi. LOVES him. You lost some fans today, dumbass.

Canada too reserved for you, huh? Prefer playing in joints where people throw stuff, huh? Well, Billy Bonehead, I'm one Canadian who likes to chuck stuff around and I got a nice big brick here with your name on it.

You know what, Billy Bob? You can kiss my arse. And you know what else? Your band can kiss it too. At first I felt sorry for your crew, sitting awkwardly in the Q studio while you acted like a COMPLETE MORON. But their silence only made them look like weak, cowardly jerks. They should be ashamed.

FYI, just so you know, you're a dipshit.

Sincerely,

Old Biddy

I was just listening to CBC radio's Spark, a fantastic programme about technology and culture.

I was struck by a piece entitled "Al Rae on Facebook Mea Culpas". Al Rae masterfully told his story of reaching AA's step nine, making amends with the people in your past, and doing so ... though Facebook.

It was a well written, touching, and funny piece, the best line being "to think you're the worst person in the world is another form of narcissism. It's like you can't just be a horse's ass, you have to be Seabiscuit's ass".

I googled Al Rae afterwards. Turns out he's the Artistic Director of the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. No surprise there. His talent as a comedy writer came through loud and clear in this Spark piece.

Listen for yourself by clicking the link above.

Yesterday, I was listening to Richard Stursberg (CBC's executive vice-president of English Services) on Ontario Today. He was taking calls about the recent CBC cutbacks and did a great job explaining the reasoning behind some of the difficult cuts that had to be made.

One of the callers caught my attention. An older man who had been a CBC radio listener for forty years asked why the older generation are being left out of the target audience. An old biddy at heart, I had been thinking the exact same thing recently.

I am a devout Q listener and thoroughly enjoy The Point, but lets face it, the old folks sitting around the home won't be tuning in, will they? What are they supposed to do? Listen to Kixx? That'll surely result in a premature and painful death.

What we need is a new radio personality. A Bill Richardson/Jian Ghomeshi combination. Someone with their finger on the pulse of both popular culture and the good ol' days... 'cause let me tell you, the only fingers on pulses these days are the ones checking if the CBC-deprived oldies have died of boredom.

So CBC, as a defender of old biddies and crotchety geezers everywhere, please, when you are in a position to do so, give us a cross-generational radio show. Something fun. Something witty. Think BBC's Just A Minute. Come on, you're a talented bunch! I know you can do it!

I think Shaun Majumder and I could be BFF's. And here's why:

He's from Newfoundland - I'm from Newfoundland

He's kinda ebony - I'm kinda ivory

He's funny - I try to be.

He has Mussels In The Corner listed on one of his playlists - I once killed Mussels In The Corner on the accordion.

See what I mean? If that isn't BFF material I don't know what is.

I'm tellin' ya - if I ever got hold of Shaun Majumder I'd grab him by the cheeks and shake his head back and forth saying, "Who's a funny boy then? Huh? Who is it? Is it my Shaunie? Yes it is! Oh yes it is!"

Is this blog post confusing you? It's not about my dream life on the Yorkshire Dales, it's not about my dear persnickety Edgerton, it's not even about my three children whose constant needs keep me months behind on Coronation Street. So where did the whole Shaun Majumder/BFF thing come from you ask? I'll tell you where. CBC's Canada Writes. Shaun is one of the judges. I listened last week and his talent is undeniable. He tickles me, I tell ya. Cracks me right up.

If you ask me, Shaun Majumder fits right in here at Old Biddy Rambling. He and Edgie would get along, I'm sure of it (I must find out if Shaun appreciates fine coffee made in the most anal of ways), and I am sure Edgerton wouldn't mind if Shaun appeared in one of my dreamy Yorkshire Dales posts (after all, there's room for three around the open fire inside my charming thatched cottage).

Yes, Shaun would be a perfect BFF. I can see us now, sitting atop a cliff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. It's beautiful. It's picturesque. The cold wind is eating the faces right off of us. The waves crash against the rocks, the noise preventing me from hearing anything Shaun says, but I watch his mouth moving and I laugh - oh how I laugh - because whatever he's saying is most certainly funny. It would have to be. It's coming from the sweet lips of Shaun Majumder. My BFF.

There was an article at CBC.ca yesterday about an employer who received a text message from one of his employees saying that he, the employee, was stuck in a hole. The police were alerted and the search began. Turns out the employee was at home, drunk off his face, with trigger happy texting fingers.

CBC's headline?

WTF? False cry for help in text message triggers police search.

The WTF part of the headline generated many negatives comments on the CBC message board. Posters hurled words at the CBC such as classless, inappropriate, and unprofessional.

I, OTOH, LOL'ed and ROFLMAO'ed. Especially when the people commenting complained that they couldn't use WTF in their post because of the CBC language filter. OMG I almost PMPL.

The CBC have now removed WTF from the headline. :(

IMHO, it may have technically been inappropriate but, ATEOTD, it was a ray of sunshine on a website full of mostly dismal news ... and TBH, GMTA because I would have written the same headline.

Anyway, G2G. HAND, and remember, DFTT.

L8R